Improve your relationships in Japan through modern “mind-reading.”

Try this next time things heat up at work or home:

Pause. Take one breath before reacting.
Switch seats. How might I look through their eyes? What do I think they are thinking, feeling or protecting right now?
Choose your words or actions according to who you want to be in this moment with them.

Story of Two Perspectives

An untold story, but an impactful one.

My young and new colleague — let’s call him A — was sitting at a fancy restaurant in Aoyama-ichome with his manager and some other colleagues. Very excited for the upcoming luxurious and juicy burger and famished, to say the least.

Being young and impatient, once the burger arrived, he ate very quickly and shoved bite after bite into his mouth. Suddenly, he jumped in his seat and his face turned white in disbelief: his manager had just kicked him hard under the table while whispering, “Stop embarrassing us.” But his face said something else: “I will hit you again if neede.”

A was in disbelief — because it was obvious his manager had kicked him in front of everyone, and why. His face turned from white to red in embarrassment. His パワハラ (pawahara) journey had just started. This time, physical abuse was not a metaphor: it was two days of limping and bruises.

In A’s mind: Fear, anger and shame about not being able to speak up for justice tormented him even more than the limping and the “fact” that the manager was wrong and evil.

In the manager’s mind: “A needs to learn to behave in front of others. We work in a sensitive setting with clients, and showing respect and proper etiquette is paramount, especially in Japan.”

Two stories in one reality. Two sides of one coin. Two subjects in one objective world.

Without doubt, many of these conflicts can be attributed to misunderstandings between people and nations.

What Is Mentalization?

As my teacher and mentor, Dr Maria Svernell — a licensed psychologist, psychotherapist and supervisor affiliated with the Anna Freud National Centre in London — has said:

“If we want world peace, besides diplomacy, we also need to mentalize our opponents and the ‘bad guys’.”

Mentalization, in short, is the process of making sense of each other and ourselves through mental states. In relationships, this translates to seeing yourself from the outside and others from the inside.

If emotional intelligence had a baby with imaginative capability, their baby would be mentalization.

From this concept, Mentalization-Based Treatment (MBT) was born — originally developed for borderline personality disorder and personality-related difficulties. In recent years, mentalization and MBT have gained significant attention in research as transdiagnostic concepts relevant to many psychiatric states and interpersonal difficulties. Those in Japan looking for professional support may struggle to find English-speaking therapists and psychotherapists in Japan, particularly ones utilizing this approach, but they are present.

📚 Further reading:

Mentalization and Japanese culture

In a sense, that “mindfulness of others” many of us love about Japan — lining up properly at the packed train station, keeping our voices down, not disturbing others — can be seen as a kind of cultural mentalization tradition. Often, popular content on living in Tokyo explores how these norms shape everyday life for newcomers, but how does it affect people born here?

It all starts in childhood: a delicate balance between how our parents were protective and available, physically and emotionally, while still encouraging us to explore the world through attachment — a deep and fascinating topic for another time.

We cannot change how our parents raised us, or with what level of mentalization. But through deliberate and regular practice, we can cultivate this mental muscle.

When Mentalization breaks down: Three pre-mentalizing modes

To strengthen mentalization, we first need to understand when it fails — and when we fall into its three pre-mentalizing modes.

1. Psychic equivalence

Ever talked to your “never understanding and childish partner”? That feeling where you just know your partner is wrong and you are right. This is psychic equivalence: your inner reality, your thoughts and feelings, appear as the truth.

2. Teleological mode

Ever felt that you know your colleague hates your presentation — unless they smile excessively or praise you afterwards? This is seeking proof in the physical world to understand our inner world.

3. Pretend mode

Ever shut down your feelings entirely? Denied being angry while really exploding on the inside, while talking lightly on the outside? This is pushing down our inner world, disconnecting from it and pretending nothing is there.

How to practice mentalization: Two key dimensions

Dimension 1: Feelings vs thoughts

Next time you find yourself in a conflict or at unease, ask yourself:

Am I currently feeling too much and reacting from this? → Add in thoughts. Describe what you feel in words — write it down if needed. Ask: Why? What is the rational explanation?

Am I currently thinking too much and pushing away my emotions? → Take a step back and ask: What feeling is trying to come up? Where does it manifest in my body, and how? Stay with it.

It’s not the result — it’s the effort through the middle way. Practice often and aim for balance.

Dimension 2: Me vs others

Next time you’re entering that meeting room with that colleague you “know” is wrong on all levels:

Take a deep breath.
Ask: What am I feeling and thinking right now — toward myself and toward my colleague?
Switch seats mentally. Imagine you are behind your colleague’s eyes, seeing the world through their lens.
Ask: If I were this colleague right now, what might I be feeling toward myself and toward me? What am I trying to protect?
Proceed mindfully — in a way that fits both who you want to be and the version of your colleague you’ve just imagined.

💡 This is also applicable when you feel a place — maybe Japan itself — is very different from your own values and traditions, almost as if another way of living is being forced upon you. Stop, and try to mentalize the Japanese tradition and the very people who built it.

Important: Mentalization is not about accepting someone else’s misbehavior or necessarily changing who you are. It’s about taking a step in the direction of observing life through another lens — to help you make adequate decisions that benefit you and the people around you.

We can never truly read other people’s minds, never fully understand them. But the good news is: the active effort to try is good enough. And good enough may be the very words we should strive toward as interpersonal human beings.

Q&A: Mentalization in practice

The following Q&A is with Maria Svernell, licensed psychologist, psychotherapist and supervisor affiliated with the Anna Freud National Centre in London.

When we get emotional and “know” someone else is wrong, what can we do?

In the heat of the moment, when someone is expressing discontent, ask not “why” — but “how come?” How come you are angry? How come you think of me as being wrong? Just as with regular training, mentalization needs practice too. The “how come” can help both you and the other person strengthen these parts of the brain.

When things get really heated in a relationship, what can we do?

Practice taking a step back and saying: “I really want to understand, but I can’t. Can you help me understand?” An openness to being vulnerable is key.

Not working? Lower your pride and say, “I am sorry for [whatever they are blaming you for.]”

This works because when we become emotional, we tend to feed those emotions even more — spending energy trying to win by adding more emotion. A simple sorry can quickly disarm a situation. We need our brain in order to mentalize, and an honest “I will try to understand, but can you please stop shouting?” can be exactly what we need.

How can conflict be prevented with mentalization?

A: We need to understand how much we actually affect others. Cultivate curiosity about yourself and others, with integrity. Your feelings have meaning. It starts with attention — without this, we have no mentalization. In a society with lots of polarization, perspective-taking becomes key. Practice!

As Qui-Gon Jinn said in Star Wars: “Always remember, your focus determines your reality.” Perception is always different in some way for each person, in every situation. Our self-story, our identity, is shaped by how others perceive us — and how we perceive that perception.

Mentalization at a glance

Concept	What It Means	Try This
Mentalization	Understanding self and others through mental states	See yourself from outside; see others from inside
Psychic Equivalence	Treating your feelings as objective truth	Pause — your view is one perspective, not the truth
Teleological Mode	Needing physical proof of others’ inner feelings	Notice when you’re seeking excessive external validation
Pretend Mode	Disconnecting entirely from your inner world	Acknowledge what you’re actually feeling
Feelings vs. Thoughts	Balancing emotion and reason	Add thought to feeling, or feeling to thought
Me vs. Others	Perspective-taking in conflict	Pause, switch seats, stay curious

Final Note

We don’t become “mentalizationers.” It’s a constant process of being a human being, living with others and navigating life in this world.

So, be a true human.

Pause. Switch seats. Stay curious. And mentalize on.

Have any questions or are interested in optimizing your relationships?

Feel free to reach out to me by email or Instagram:

Email: flexiguidance@gmail.com

Instagram: www.instagram.com/flexi.coaching/

Share this Story